7 months on and don't feel any better after betrayal....

.....if anything I feel worse as the more I think about it, the more deception I see!

My husband had been seeing a friend of mine behind my back for months and he was also e-mailing a woman off facebook sending each other explicit messages. I am still certain he has not told me everything.

I am still crying, I don't feel any better. A couple of good friends say with time it will get better but I really cannot see that. I feel more devastated now than I initially did. We are still going to relate and I feel it helps for that day most of the time, but that's it.

My husband is usually a bright cheery person in the mornings and you can see on his face that I am dragging him down. He won't talk about what happened at all now without argueing. Think he is doing this as it stops the conversation dead, as it would. My children keep asking why is mummy sad, which breaks my heart. I feel responsible for everyone being miserable now, and I don't know how to change it.

The words he said to these two women keep going round and round in my head. I wake up and it's all there every single day and get's worse over the day.

I am desperate to know the details which is stupid I know, but I feel I cannot move on until I do, how can I? I feel that desperate that I even thought of emailing the Facebook one and telling her he had comitted suicide in the vain hope that she will tell me more. I feel like a raving lunatic writing this down, am I?

I did tell my husband I was going to do that and he called me evil. This just destroyed me. He later apologised but the words will live with me forever. Be honest is it evil to do that?

I just feel like I am turning into a complete nutter and the thing that is hurting me the most is that I feel my husband is just settling for me. I clearly have not made him happy last year but these two people not only excited him but made him happy. He told me they were funny, he lusted after my friend, and the thing's he said in the email to the FB one are almost unprintable. I will copy and paste a couple of quotes that really get me the most. Please help I don't know what to do anymore :( Here is a couple of thing's he had written, how will I ever get these words out from my head!

• I have woken up on the sofa again. Why am i not waking up next to you? 
• I love reading your emails. They always do one of two things (1) make me smile or (2) make me hard
• can I put my sausage between your baps?
• I'd love to go to that party with you. I've gone all randy at the thought of you in some form of fancy dress costume. what you going as? I would go as a skeleton I think, black costume with white bone bits on it. and then I'd bone the arse of you. lol. fuck, what was i thinking giving this up for so long? (he stopped when we started relate in september when I found out about my friend, but started again in October, pure comittment to relate eh!)
• 627 emails most of them either for cheap watches or viagra. two important ones - both from you. i feel really bad. its like i let you down. we haven't even met! how can i feel bad about something like that? (but i do)
• So work ok? Maybe I should arrange for that long overdue meeting up north and come and give you some lunchtime "relief" next time you see any cock it'll be mine, and it'll be in the flesh. I dare you to send me a breast shot - uncovered! anyway, when are you on that nhs course down (where we live so can't put that) way? put your arse in gear woman..i'm wantin a good fuckin

I'm sorry for the language but I really need some advice and unless you have read the words I read you can't possibly understand. There is heaps more, slagging me off in them too.

How can I move on from all this, how can I get it out of my head? How can I ever trust him again?

Rose

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